Shinji's WHAT!
by Tezza1502
Summary: AT LAST! Chapter two is up! The madness continues. Hang on to your lunch, 'cause Shinji can't!
1. Conception!

Shinji's WHAT!

By: Tezza1502

RATING: M (swearing, adult themes and some damn weird shit)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own N.G.E., Anno and GAINAX do. In fact, after this one, I just might find myself fleeing from a wide variety of people. (Don't be hatin', it's all in good fun)

'Thoughts'

"Speech"

NOTES: Okay kids, this one is a little different from other stuff I've tried. I was at work when suddenly three thoughts collided in that strangely cross-referenced mess I call a brain. Here they are; 400 synchronisation ratio + cross-synchronisation + the concept of male pregnancy. My reason for being introduced me to that last one as she was surfing slash. Apparently, they are the last resort for some writers, but can be used to great and hilarious effect by others. They normally only work well when magic is involved but unfortunately for you, my gentle readers, I think I've found a way around it. This bastard idea pounced on me when I was thinking about my other works and won't let go, so if I have to suffer it then _so do you_. Final warning: if male pregnancy and the inevitable insanity that gets associated with such an occurrence bothers or disturbs you, RUN AWAY! Top left corner, hit the 'back' button and flee to the story menu list. Otherwise, strap in and read on. . .

Final thought: I'm going to burn for this one. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted!

Pandemonium reigned supreme in the crowded room.

"How's his vitals?"

"Stable!"

"Anaesthetic?"

"Looking good. He's comfortable."

"Everything prepped for the surgeon?"

"Good to go."

_GIGGLE_

"And for _God's sake_, someone put a dart in that girl before she gets hysterical again!"

"Sorry, nurse. She got away from me."

_PFFFT_

**THUNK**

"That should keep her docile until after."

"We can't leave her on the floor like that, it's untidy. Someone could trip."

"Alright, prop her up on one of the chairs outside. And don't let her back in the theatre!"

"Major, it's started."

"Okay. Coming."

-CONCEPTION-

NINE MONTHS AND TWO WEEKS EARLIER . . . . . . .

A young boy wakes up after a long time away. He rises up, looks around and flops back down again to rest.

"This ceiling is getting more and more familiar as time goes by."

Gathering his thoughts, he wonders what happened this time for him to end up in hospital again, why his memories are so very vague.

And why his stomach hurts?

Finding no answers in the roof patterns, he gave up and went back to sleep.

"I'll find out eventually, I guess. It's only the good news they keep hidden from me."

----------

"Well, what's the verdict, Ritsuko?" asked Shinji's guardian.

"Hmmm."

"Is Shinji okay after thirty-one days in Unit-1's belly, or what?"

Dr. Akagi looked over her coffee cup at her worried intruder, "Oh, he's fine. We did a cranial exam and a light physical last night. No abnormalities that we can detect, he's in perfect health."

"Whew!" Misato sagged against the doorframe at that. "So, it's alright if I take him home tonight, then?"

"Not just yet." She frowned, "I'd like to keep him for one more night. Just as a precaution. You see, he has no memory of his time inside her. He was quite surprised when I told him that a month had passed."

The Major zeroed in on that, "Her?"

_'Oh, crap!' _"What?" She replied as blandly as possible while thinking furiously.

"You called Unit-1 'her'. Why?"

"The Commander always refers to that particular unit as her. After working with the man for so long, I guess I just. . . picked up the habit." Seeing the other woman wanted to pursue it further, Ritsuko tried to throw a bit more water on the fire of her curiosity, "If you want, I could let him know of your interest in the matter?"

Seeing the look of fear cross her friend's face at the mere thought of something so trivial, yet possibly so private being brought to Commander Ikari's personal attention, made Ritsuko smile inside, _'Fire out!' _

"No, no, that's fine, no need to go out of your way." Misato stammered as she back-pedalled hurriedly.

"You sure?" The blonde teased.

"Quite. So can I see Shinji now?"

"Yes, but be gentle. He's had a rough time of it."

----------

TEN DAYS LATER

"You want to do WHAT!"

Dr. Akagi looked blandly at her friend, "A cross-synchronisation test. We haven't done one in a while and this is as perfect a time as any. What's the problem?"

Misato lost it at that, "What's the. . . Shinji's just had a traumatic experience with EVA and you want to shove him back in!"

"Exactly. If the horse throws you off, climb back on and try again."

The purple-haired beauty planted the palm of her hand against her forehead, "I work for a bunch of sadists!"

Ritsuko snorted at that, "Oh, don't be such a drama queen! We've ironed out the kinks in Unit-0 so there won't be a repeat of last time." _'We hope'_

Pure diss-belief rolled off the Major in waves, "You are going to put him in Unit-0, _again_!"

"Well, we didn't feel he would be ready to step back into Unit-1 so soon and Unit-2 is still being regenerated so that kind of limits our options." The doctor tried to reassure her. "It will be fine, Major. Besides, this order came from the top." She pointed her thumb over her shoulder at the command platform. "We need to know if he can still synchronise with an EVA, any EVA."

"Well, I don't like it, but you're right. We need to know." Exhaling heavily, she girded her loins for her next task. "I guess I had better break the news to Shinji."

----------

TWO DAYS LATER

"How's it goin' in there, Shinji?"

"Oh, fine Misato." Came a small, nervous reply. "My stomach still feels funny, though."

"Well, everything's in the green out here." She said, trying to keep his spirits up. Closing the link, she turned to the bridge bunnies, "Well, was I lying to him, or what?"

None of them looked up as Lt. Ibuki answered, "No Major. It's all going well."

Misato decided to take that at face value as she watched them work.

"Plug Insertion complete."

"Synchronisation commencing."

"Threshold passed. A-10 connection reached and exceeded."

"All life signs and functions nominal."

"Data lines open and functioning correctly."

"Pilot, please begin synchronising with Unit-0."

"Okay."

"Synch ratio at 17. 29. 42. Still rising."

Dr. Akagi walked over to the Major and whispered smugly, "Told you so."

Misato turned to her friend with a look of pure horror on her face, "For God's sake, don't ever say something like that before everything's finished. Are you insane! Do you really want to tempt the fates like that!"

Ritsuko opened her mouth to respond when it all went south.

"63. 81. 94. Synch rate surging! Dr. Akagi, something's going wrong!"

"WHAT!"

"99. 102. 137. Unit-0 is not fighting him like last time."

"Disconnect the power! Eject the plug! Get the pilot out of there!"

"It's not working!"

"186. 222. 274. Rate is increasing!"

"I thought you said this wouldn't happen again, Ritsuko!"

"SHUT-UP! I'm busy."

"311. 329. 345. 350."

"What the hell is Unit-0 doing?" Misato pointed in shock. The EVA was hunched over with its arms crossed over its mid-section. It seemed to be rocking from side to side.

"350 and holding."

"Dr. Akagi, I'm monitoring a partial diss-corporation of the pilot. Vital signs are all over the place."

"Do what you can to stabilise. How long until the power runs out?"

"Fifty seconds!"

"Synch ratio is dropping. 332. 301. 268. 210."

"How's the pilots vitals?"

"Stabilised. No diss-corporation detected."

"156. 107. 73. 41. 25. 11. Below activation threshold."

"Power is expired. Full control regained. Ejecting plug."

"Get a medical team down there. Isolate the pilot. I want a full medical workup done this time and I mean FULL. Test everything. Something about him is setting off the EVA's and I want to know what!"

Misato got in the last word as she started towards the door, "This is your fault, you know. Not only did you put Shinji in a life-threatening situation before he was ready, again, you had to go and jinx it while trying to rub my nose in it. Bitch."

The three bridge bunnies looked at each other as Dr. Akagi left the room, fuming. "What was that all about?"

Maya answered, "Dr. Akagi told the Major that everything was going fine and that there was nothing to worry about, just before it all went pear shaped."

Hyuga shook his head in amazement. "Damn. Even the Commanders don't tempt fate that way. What was she thinking?"

----------

A FEW DAYS LATER

"Dr. Akagi?"

"Yes Maya."

"Pilot Ikari's results are back."

"And . . ."

"Well, take a look for yourself."

Ritsuko took the paperwork off her assistant and scanned them. She had reached the third page when her eyebrows suddenly went for her hairline. "This can't be right. It's impossible. It goes against, well, everything."

Lt. Ibuki nodded, "I agree, ma'am. But the results don't lie."

"Have these been re-checked?" The blonde enquired.

"Twice."

"What do the MAJI say?"

"Well . . ."

"What?"

"Ma'am, they haven't stopped laughing yet."

". . . say again?"

Maya looked uncomfortable, "We fed the results in and all that's coming out is ream after ream of laughter being printed."

_'Mother, you will be the death of me yet' _Ritsuko groaned. "Anything else?"

"Just one sentence: Shinji's having an arse-baby!"

----------

LATER, IN MISATO'S OFFICE

"SAY _WHAT_!"

"According to the tests we have been running the last few days, Shinji is pregnant." Ritsuko repeated simply in a disturbingly natural voice as she sat in Misato's office.

**FWUMP**

"Humph. She took that better than I expected." She removed a can of Yebisu from Misato's stash in her desk fridge and popped it open under the other woman's nose, waving it from side to side.

"Wakey, wakey, sleepyhead." she teased.

"Go 'way, Kaji. I'm still sore from last night." She mumbled as she came around.

_'Yet another insight into their relationship I could have gone my whole life without knowing.' _she thought as she helped Misato back into her chair. Grabbing the can and draining it, she started glaring at the other woman again, "This is still your fault, y'know. Jinx monster."

"OH, give it a rest."

Coming back to full consciousness, a question occurred to Misato, "How the _hell_ did you miss this after all those tests you put him through?"

Ritsuko looked sheepish, "Well, we weren't looking for a uterus or ovaries when we gave him a physical, last time. I mean, would _you_?"

"That's not the point now, is it? It's your job to be on the lookout for anything unusual with the pilots, medically. And he did just get spat out of unit-1's brand new S2 organ, didn't he."

"Look, after a month of late nights and early mornings setting up the procedure that helped bring him back, I wasn't at my best. And since no one else on staff has the clearance to do these things, well, let's just say that a warm bed looked better than reams of test results, okay!" She huffed.

"Fine. Lazy jinx monster."

"WILL YOU LAY OFF THE JINX MONSTER CRAP!" Ritsuko screamed at full volume.

"ABSOLUTELY, AS SOON AS YOU START PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR JOB! _IRRISPONSIBLE_ JINX MONSTER!" Misato screamed back just as loudly.

A full-blown catfight was about to erupt when the Major's phone rang. "WHAT!"

"Uhm, Major, the Commander's looking for Dr. Akagi. Apparently, she owes him a report about Shinji's test results."

Misato gave Ritsuko a particularly nasty grin upon hearing that. "Thanks, Maya. She's here. I'll let her know. Buh-bye."

"Well?" the doctor asked as she put down the phone.

"It seems you owe the Commander a report. Now."

"Crap!"

"Yup!"

She threw her hands up in the air. "Fine. But you have to tell the other pilots, including Shinji."

Misato paled. "Hell no! Asuka and Rei, fine. But Shinji's your responsibility. You got him into this situation, you explain it to him." Seeing her expression, she continued, "Look, what are you worried about. I'm the one that's going to be picking up the pieces for the next nine months."

"Fine. Whatever." she sighed. "I am SO not looking forward to this meeting."

----------

GENDO IKARI'S OFFICE

**FWUMP**

"Could you . . . explain that again? In greater detail." Fuyutski asked as he knelt down to pick up Gendo's unconscious body from the floor.

"Going over the Pilots medical records in greater detail, it seems that Shinji's time in Unit-1 had left him with a working set of female reproductive organs. And when we inserted him into Unit-0, that EVA took the opportunity to . . . impregnate him."

_'I can't believe that I'm having this conversation' _was running through all their minds.

"Why . . . hasn't this happened before?" The Commander asked, as he came around. "And how did you miss this, Dr. Akagi?"

"Well, Rei is sterile and Asuka has never been in Unit-0." She shrugged her shoulders. "The situation never came up." A thought crossed her mind. "Although, it would explain why Unit-0 kept going wild and rejecting pilots. It wanted to reproduce, but couldn't." Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, she continued. "As for why it was missed, well, _somebody_ decided to get frisky the night his son came back!" Gendo coughed as she glared pointedly at him.

Fuyutski nodded as he poured three large drinks from the bar. "So the question becomes; what the hell was Yui thinking?"

_'Probably her fucked-up sense of humour shining through. She married that weird bastard and she has been locked up in Unit-1 for over ten years' _Ritsuko kept that thought to herself.

"Unknown. Also unknown is what this new situation will do to The Scenario (tm)" Gendo added, slowly getting over his shock.

Fuyutski smirked. "Blows it all to hell, I would think. SEELE is going to have kittens, when they hear about it."

Downing his drink in one gulp, he waved his glass at his old Professor for a refill. "That is one meeting I am _not_ looking forward to."

"Got that right." The vice-commander added, topping up his own glass. "Pity we won't see their faces, though. I'd love to have a camera there when you toss this one in their laps." He chuckled.

----------

ELSEWHERE . . .

The fifteenth, sixteenth and seventeenth Angels were having a similar conversation.

_"How did this happen?"_

_"Unknown. Perhaps Lillith-"_

_"NO! I refuse to believe that she would stoop to something so . . . unnatural." _It squirmed at the thought.

_"So, the Third Child, the one whose fate will decide ours, is having an ar-"_

**_"TABRIS!" _**Given that luminescent globes of sentience have neither ears nor hands, the sixteenth angel still tried to put one to the other. _"You are my brother. We are in service together for a cause that is Holy. But I swear, if you let that word pass your lips, by all that is sacred I will smite you where you stand. Are we clear."_

_"Fine, fine, my lips are sealed."_ The young, grey-haired boy appeared contrite. _ "So what happens now?"_

_"Well . . . considering what happened the last time a virgin birth happened on this planet, I suggest we stay our hand and see what happens." _Sensing the shock being projected at him, the Fifteenth Angel continued, _"I mean, do we know for sure that this event isn't something that was set in motion by Lillith?"_

_"Well . . ." _The Sixteenth Angel tried hard to come up with an alternative.

_"Exactly! Besides, we've waited this long, what's a human lifetime or two in the grand scheme of things?"_

_"Well, alright. But I still think it's unnatural . . . "_

----------

AT THE HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY . . .

"Jesus, Rits'! What happened to you?" Misato asked, stunned at her friend's dishevelled appearance.

"Wurgh. The Commander had a typical male reaction to the news of an unplanned pregnancy."

"Got drunk?"

"Yup!"

"You're kidding!" The Major was stunned for a moment, then started giggling at the mental image forming in her head. "Oh man, how bad did it get?"

"Well . . . by the time I managed to escape, they were diving in to their third bottle of Scotch."

"Damn. For old farts, they can sure hold their liquor."

"It gets worse. Fuyutski broke out the cigars and started calling the Commander 'grampa Ikari', then began a search on the net for the perfect coffee mug."

"Oh, no way." Misato was in tears by this time, struggling to hold back torrents of laughter.

"Yes way. And please keep it down, would you. I am terribly hung over today." She waited until Misato managed to nod affirmative between giggles. "Thank you. Now, how did it go, telling the other pilots?"

"Well, Asuka took it as well as I thought she would."

"Meaning?"

"She had to be sedated, she laughed so hard."

Ritsuko nodded, as if she had been expecting that. "And Rei?"

"That was the really strange part." Misato frowned. "She just looked . . . disappointed and betrayed. Then she vanished for a while. Asuka was being a pain, so I didn't notice at first. When we finally tracked her down, she was-"

"What?"

"Well . . . she was in Unit-0's cage, giving her EVA a severe dressing down."

/FLASHBACK\\\\\\\\\\

Rei is standing at eye level with Unit-0, leaning forward with one hand on her hip and the other jabbing forcefully at its face. She is not a happy pilot.

"Why did you have to do that to Shinji for? The one boy in this entire city who's willing to look past the surface and _like_ me for who I am, and you go and do that to him. Do you know how hard it is for me to make friends? Do you even care? How am I supposed to become one with him now? He's going to hate me, and its _all-your-fault_!" She stamped her foot and crossed her arms, as if expecting an answer.

Unit-0 tried to look contrite, and failed miserably.

**"BAD EVA! NAUGHTY UNIT-0!"**

\\\\\\\\\\END FLASHBACK/

"You're shitting me!"

"Nuh-uh. Do you really think I could make something like that up and expect you to believe me!"

"Ooookay." Her head was starting to throb harder. "So, where are they now?"

"Going to see Shinji. I'm guessing he could stand to see some friendly faces, right about now. Even Asuka's."

Dr. Akagi paled at that.

Misato noticed this. "What's up? You did tell him, didn't you?"

The other woman just stared at her in horror.

" . . . didn't you?"

"Ummmmm" Large sweatdrops were forming.

"Well?" The Major started to boil.

"I um, kinda got, well, delayed in the Commanders office." Ritsuko scratched the back of her neck.

"So, you mean he doesn't-"

"Yeah"

"SHIT!" They both turned and started to run as a long, high scream began to emanate from Shinji's room.

----------

SHINJI'S ROOM, FIVE MINUTES EARLIER

"Hey BAKA! Wake up!" Asuka announced as she burst into the room, followed by a very nervous looking Rei.

"AAAAHH!" Shinji shot straight up in bed. "I'm awake. Breakfast in five minutes." Coming back to reality, he gave Asuka a glare as she laughed her ass off at his reaction. Turning to Rei, he wondered why she seemed to be hiding behind the red terror. Returning his attention to his amused tormentor, he bellowed; "Damnit, Asuka! Not funny. I'm supposed to be resting in here."

She waved her hand dismissively, "Tell it to someone who gives a shit, baka. Now, where do you want these?" She glanced at the bouquet in her hands. "The bridge bunnies all put in for it. Dunno why." She shrugged. "Is it traditional to give something like this for someone who's expecting?"

"Over there, on the table." The last part of her statement penetrated his consciousness.

"Expecting? 'Expecting' who?"

"Not_ 'who'_, idiot. What!"

"Huh?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. "No need to be coy, Third Child. We were told yesterday."

Shinji lay back down and turned away from her. "Come back when you start making sense, Asuka."

Realisation started to surface in her mind. "No _way!_ They haven't told you yet?"

Turning back, he frowned. "Told me what, Asuka."

She started to giggle. "I can't believe they haven't said anything. I wonder why?"

Now he started to worry. "What are you going on about?"

_'Hot damn, it really pays to get out of bed some days.' _She thought gleefully.

Rubbing her hands together at the thought of the news she was about to impart to her poor, confused, fellow pilot, she proclaimed; "Well, I guess we can't have you stumbling along in ignorance. Someone could get hurt. The thing is, Shinji . . . "She leant in to whisper in his ear. "You're pregnant."

He looked at her in surprise, then burst out laughing. "Good one, Asuka! You really had me going there for a moment."

His chuckling subsided as she continued to look at him with an amused expression. "Who's joking?"

"Huh?"

Turning to Rei, the blood drained from his face as she nodded reluctantly in confirmation. "It is true, Pilot Ikari. The MAJI confirmed your condition yesterday."

Seeing as Rei was more likely to tell an untruth than the earth was to start spinning counter-clockwise, Shinji reacted in the only way he knew how.

Cue the screaming.

-----------

Misato and Ritsuko raced in to find Asuka looking on and chortling as the boy wound down from yelling to moaning. Staring daggers at the Second Child, the doctor went to the bedside and tried to calm him down.

"Couldn't help yourself, could you." Misato growled.

"Well, someone had to tell him, and I got to him first." Asuka tried to look like she was just being helpful and failed miserably.

"Rei." She turned to the corner of the room.

The girl in question stepped out from behind the door and took her hands away from her ears. "Yes, Major?"

"How did she break the news to Shinji?"

She searched her memory for an appropriate word. "Bluntly."

"Snitch!" Asuka made as if to move on Rei, but found her path blocked by Misato.

"Behave yourself, or we'll stuff you in Unit-0 next. Just to see if it was an isolated occurrence or not." She threatened with an evil smirk.

Asuka was horrified at that. "You wouldn't _dare_!"

"Try me." The Major held her eye until she backed down.

"FINE! Screw the baka, and his arsebaby. I'm going home!" She huffed and stormed out of the room.

"Little bitch." Going to the bed, she enquired, "Is he going to be okay?"

Shinji looked up and clutched her sleeve, pleading, "She was joking, right? I mean, what Asuka said. Just like the time she put sherbet into my entry plug. Remember? She told me the bridge crew had screwed up and that they had piped in acid when it started fizzing." He started working up to 'hysterical' mode again.

"Shinji, this is to put you to sleep." Dr. Akagi pressed a needle into the boys arm. "We'll try this again, tomorrow."

His eyelids drooped slowly as he fell under the effects of the sedative.

All three women let out a deep breath after he was out cold.

"Christ, what a balls-up this is turning into!" Misato put a hand on her forehead. "Rits'. Tell the staff to deny the Second Child access to Shinji until further notice, then go home and sleep off that hangover. That's an order."

The doctor bristled at being given an order by her friend, but she wasn't sober enough to put up a fight. As she went out the door, she thought she heard Misato mumble something about _'slow-arsed, intoxicated jinx-monsters'_, but was still too intoxicated to make a fuss about it.

"Rei?"

"Yes, Major?"

"You can stay here if you want. Or go. It's up to you."

Rei nodded.

"But I would like you to be here tomorrow. Shinji is going to need all the friends he can get to deal with this."

"Very well. I shall return tomorrow. What time shall I arrive?"

Misato thought for a moment. "About ten in the morning will be fine."

"Hai. Ten o'clock." Giving one last look at the inert boy on the bed, she left the room.

"Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for you, hey kid!" Leaning in, Misato gave Shinji a light kiss on his forehead. "Hopefully, tomorrow will go smoother. See ya."

After she left the room, NERV's answer to Austin Powers emerged from his hiding place and looked at the highly sedated form on the bed. Shaking his head with amusement and pity, Ryoji Kaji turned off his tape recorder and headed for the door. 'SEELE is going to pitch a fit when they hear about this.' A check to see if the coast was clear and he was gone. 'At least with all the confusion this situation will create, I'll be able to continue my own side-project with less interference than usual!' Shaking off the small pang of guilt at using Shinji's 'condition' to hide his own investigation towards the truth, he headed back to his apartment to make a report.

----------

SHINJI'S ROOM. AGAIN. NEXT MORNING.

Shinji rose to consciousness slowly. Rubbing his hand across his face, he tried to recall the reason he was in here. This time.

Other than a few weird dreams, he drew a blank.

"Damn, that was a rough night's sleep. I wonder if I passed out during the test? And why is the word '_Arsebaby_' bouncing around my brain?"

Finding no answers in the roof tiles, he rolled over and waited for someone to come and explain things.

Shortly, a familiar looking nurse entered the room. "Good morning, Pilot Ikari. How are you feeling today?"

"Okay, I suppose. Did something happen to me yesterday? My memory's a bit fuzzy."

"Ummm, I'm not supposed to say." She went a little pink, thinking about the rumours floating around about his 'condition'. "Dr. Akagi will be along to explain your situation soon."

"Right." The first stirrings of panic began to weave across his stomach_. 'Oh shit, something went wrong again.'_

Glad that the patient seemed to be willing to wait until the doctor arrives, she continued with the task she came in for. "Now, could I get you to swallow these pills, please?" She handed him some pills and a glass of water.

Looking at them with apprehension, he swallowed them nonetheless.

"Good. Now, I'll be back to check on you in a few hours. Dr. Akagi, the Major and Miss Ayanami will be here soon, so just be patient." Giggling at her own wit, she left the room.

Shinji sat up on the bed and tried some deep breathing to calm himself as he waited for some answers. Surprisingly enough, he did begin to unwind and mellow out. Soon, he was rocking from side to side slowly, looking about the room and blinking about once a minute. With his mind wrapped in cotton wool and his body somewhere very far away, Shinji was feeling no pain. Or angst. Or anything, really!

(Cue music: _Lucy in the skyyyyy, with diamonds!_)

So when Asuka snuck in a little while later, it was quite by accident that he was in the perfect mood to cope with her attempts to work him up into a state of hysteria. Again.

She began by telling him in a descriptive manner just how he was going to give birth when he didn't have the appropriate equipment. When he showed no reaction to that, she continued by loudly guessing at the level of pain he would experience, passing something the size of a baby out of his colon. Getting frustrated at his lack of response, she persevered, acting out the birth with a grotesque pantomime at the foot of the bed, complete with facial expressions and straining motions. Finally, she realised something was wrong with him. He watched with a blank expression as her finger came closer to his forehead. As it connected, she gave him a strong nudge and swore as he dropped back onto the bed like a felled tree. Realising that he would be of absolutely no entertainment value in his current condition whatsoever, Asuka gave up and decided she would sneak back in when he was off whatever medication they had him on. Shinji watched as she walked out of the room, looked up the hall and suddenly ran fast in the opposite direction, closely followed by two hospital orderlies in hot pursuit.

----------

"Damnit! I thought I told you to bar her from Shinji's room, Ritsuko!" His guardian's shout came from the hallway.

"I did, _Major! _But you know how tenacious she can be, especially when she gets it into her mind to do something." The Doctor replied, defensively.

"Whatever!" Misato entered the room, expecting to find a traumatised Pilot. What she did find, however, freaked her out even more.

Shinji was just calmly staring at the roof, blinking slowly.

The doctor ploughed into Misato's back. "What! Why are you stopping in the doorway?" Looking past her to the bed, she too stopped and stared_. 'Uh-oh!'_

Rei waited patiently in the hall for the entrance to the room to clear. "Is Ikari alright?"

"Umm, let me get back to you on that one, Rei." Misato answered.

Dr. Akagi went over to his side and checked his vitals.

"Well, did Asuka put him back into shock, or what?"

Looking at his chart next, she uttered a short curse at what she found there. "No. Quite the opposite."

"Care to explain that,_ Doctor _Akagi!"

Turning to face her friend, she began sheepishly, "It seems that Shinji may have been . . . over-medicated this morning."

"What?" Misato hissed.

The doctor shrugged apologetically. "Perhaps a mix up in the prescription? Maybe someone misread my notes? Who knows?"

"Indeed." Venom dripped from the word.

Seeing that her best friend since high school was about ready to draw her side arm and let some daylight through her skull, Ritsuko set about reassuring her. "He's alright! Honestly! As soon as the drugs wash through his system in about-" She looked at her watch quickly, "- six to ten hours, he'll be back to normal. Promise!"

She let out the breath she had been holding as Misato's hand moved away from her gun. "And until then?"

"Put it this way: Until the drugs wear off, he's going to make Rei seem normal."

Rei's ears perked up at this threat to her long held 'Most Emotionally Distant Anime Character' title. She quietly resolved to monitor any medication Shinji may receive in the future.

"Oh, for Gods sake!" Misato threw her hands up in the air. Thinking for a moment, she turned and glared at her friend. "Well, since it's bloody useless to say anything to him today, we'll come back tomorrow and try again. Same time." She clarified for Rei's benefit. The young girl nodded in understanding. "And you, _Doctor_ Akagi-" She tapped her on the chest with a sharp fingernail. "-will personally see to it that Shinji is only given a _mild_ sedative, tomorrow. He's going to need it!" Another thought presented itself to her. "While _I_ am going to post a Section-2 Agent to guard the door. _That_ aught to keep her out!"

'Yeah, right!' Ritsuko snorted.

Going over and running her hand through Shinji's hair briefly, Misato then left the room. As she passed Ritsuko, she muttered _'professional drug-pushing jinx monster' _under her breath. The doctor heard this but said nothing, remembering that her friend was still armed and dangerous. She also left, to go and have a quiet chat with whoever was in charge of dispensing the medication.

Rei looked confused as to what to do now. No one had ordered her to stay _or _go. So, with a slight shrug, she chose to sit beside the bed and watch Shinji as he dozed in a heavily medicated slumber.

Every now and again, it would occur to her that he was becoming quite handsome, as he got older.

And she would blush and smile, slightly, at the thought.

----------

SHINJI'S ROOM: THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!

It began almost the same way as the day before.

The same nurse came in, followed by Dr. Akagi this time.

He swallowed his medication with a cup of water. (Only one pill.)

They waited for a short time, filling in the silence by telling him that as soon as the others arrived they would let him know just what had happened to him the other day.

Satisfied with his reaction, they left.

Shinji continued to watch the doorway after they walked out, waiting. Shortly, Pen-Pen waddled past the door. He gave the Section-2 agent guarding the door a quick nod, glanced in and waved briefly to the boy, then continued on his way. A very confused agent followed the hot water penguin down the hallway and away from his assigned duty. Later, as Misato chewed his ass off for dereliction of said duty, his only defence would be 'simple curiosity'. I mean, how often do **you** see a penguin in a hospital?

When the coast was clear, Asuka entered. "Well? Are you doped to the gills, again, baka-boy?"

Shinji looked at her, blinking slowly.

She slapped her forehead. "_Shiest! _Wasted a perfectly good decoy idea!" Waving her hand in front of his face a few times to check he wasn't faking, she swore again and made her way out of the room in disgust.

Shinji waited until he couldn't hear her anymore, then took a deep breath. Blinking quickly a few times to get the moisture back in his eyes, he laughed quietly to himself. "Heh! Have to remember that one."

Pleased with himself at having outwitted The Mighty Asuka Langley Sohryu, Shinji settled back onto the bed to wait for the Major and Rei.

Rei arrived promptly at ten o'clock. "Good morning, Pilot Ikari. Are you feeling well today?"

Shinji was stunned. "Um, fine Rei. Are _you _okay?"

"I am healthy. Why do you ask?"

"Well . . . "The boy was at a loss for words.

Rei waited patiently for him to find his tongue.

Finding no way to say it nicely, he just said it. "You're talking in sentences! Your initiating conversation! You're being polite and asking for information!"

"Oh!" She blushed. "I have noticed in the past that my demeanour has an unsettling effect on others. Moreover, since it was my Evangelion that is responsible for your condition, I am making an effort to ensure that I do not cause you any more emotional distress. I apologise if I have upset you."

Shinji was touched. "That's alright. Thankyou for your thoughtfulness. No need to apologise. I appreciate it, really!" He quickly reassured her.

The corners of her mouth turned upwards with relief.

"Hang on!" Shinji frowned as he made a connection. _"Condition?"_

"Yes. Your pregnancy." Rei looked confused. "Do you remember?"

Memories from the last two days began slamming into place. His eyes went wide and it was only the sedative he had been given earlier that kept him from starting to screech again.

Misato and Ritsuko chose that moment to enter the room.

"It's true, isn't it?" Shinji whispered with horror as he turned to them. "That actually happened! All of it! It wasn't just a bad dream!" He put his head in his hands and began to moan.

Misato sat on the bed and put her arms around him, whispering reassurances and cooing softly. Ritsuko went over to Rei, who had a helpless expression on her face. "I thought he remembered?" She offered plaintively. The older woman shook her head.

"He's either been unconscious, in shock or medicated, since it happened." She sighed. "Today's the day he faces it, for the first time."

With that, they both went to join Misato on the bed in trying to comfort Shinji through what will very possibly be the strangest experience he would ever have.

And that's saying a lot, considering that this boy's day job is to pilot a forty-foot tall, biomechanical war machine to protect all humanity!

--------------------

NOTES: Well, there it is. Chapter 1, in all it's horrible glory. My intent is to chart the full nine months of Shinji's pregnancy in as much disturbing yet amusing detail as I can manage. Just don't hold your breath for quick updates. Funny ain't easy. So, if you like it, tell me!

P.S. I don't own Austin Powers, either. (Just in case lawyers are lurking!)

-----/-----


	2. First Trimester

Shinji's WHAT!

By: Tezza1502

Rating: MA+ (For swearing, vomiting, nasty pranks, gratuitous use of a 'Taser'and a small but highly toxic piece of kawaii)

Disclaimer: I still don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. And I'm still laying the blame for this at the feet of my girlfriend! I am completely innocent! Go put someone else up against the wall!

Notes: Well, you sick puppies really enjoyed the first chapter, didn't you! Don't try to deny it! I've read the reviews and heard the laughter. And to that poor bugger I apparently put in hospital, stay there! I aim to line up a few more beside you in the ward this time round. So get comfortable, find out which nurses give the best sponge baths, and pass the info along to your new neighbours. On a more self-flagellating note, some eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that your Uncle Tezza forgot to preview the bloody chapter. This is something I do from time to time when I get too excited about posting something new. The damn percentage symbols didn't make the cut, during the synchronisation scene. While not as big a mistake as miss-spelling MAGI, it still gives me the shits. Anyway, here we go.

----------

FIRST TRIMESTER

"_Asuka!"_

"What?"

"Kaji and I are going to pick up Shinji from the hospital, today. We should be back in a few hours. Behave yourself! No pulling any weird crap while we are gone. Understand?"

"Fine! What-_ever_!"

"_I mean it_. I come back here and find you've turned the doorway into a giant sphincter, or something, and your in deep shit. _Got it_!"

"Yes, Misato!"

Not wanting to be late in picking up Shinji from the hospital, Misato let it go with a glare in Asuka's direction. She bounded down the stairs towards the waiting Ryoji Kaji, who immediately enquired if they had time for a quickie on the way, since there had been no horizontal action on the mattress front since immediately after Shinji came back from thirty-one wonderful days in Unit-1. "A man has needs, you know."

Misato replied by nailing him in the happy sacks.

"What was that for?" He squeaked out from his position, curled around her feet.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have misheard. I thought you said you wanted to be kneed." She replied sweetly, hurling him none to gently into the back seat.

"Right! Perfectly understandable mistake." He moaned weakly as she took off at light speed for the hospital. Too late, he remembered that you don't try to fuck with Misato, in any way, when she is on a mission.

Asuka watched all this from the balcony outside the door. Waiting until the car was out of sight, she walked back in the unit to her room. There, she stood in the doorway, looking from a large box to the phone and back. Pondering.

'_What to do first?' _

**At the hospital**

A blue blur came streaking into the car park, sending hospital regulars flying for cover. Over the past two weeks, this particular hazard to human health had become very well known. After that incident with the bicycle and the stirrups in the emergency room entrance, it had become policy to have a trauma surgeon on standby whenever Misato came to visit Shinji.

Executing a 180degree handbrake turn with a roll, the car came to rest in between two ambulances next to the entrance. _'Perfect! Damn, I'm good!' _

As an orderly on the second floor sounded the 'all clear, car is stationary' siren, Misato got out and went inside. Returning shortly, she threw a bag of ice in the back seat. "There you go. Stop your whinging!"

Kaji weakly bleated his eternal gratitude after her as she entered the building again.

**Dr. Akagi's office**

"Hows it goin', Rits'." Misato asked brightly.

Ritsuko looked up from her paperwork. "It goes well, thank you. Where's Kaji? I thought he was coming as well?"

"He's in the car, nursing a bruise." She grinned evilly.

The doctor shook her head. "No, I really don't think I want to know." She stood and made her way around the desk. "Ready?"

"I've been ready for two weeks!" Misato stood aside to let Ritsuko out of the room. "I can't believe the MAGI kept malfunctioning so badly that you couldn't run any test results through them! What was wrong with them?"

"Logic error." She said, sheepishly. "They had trouble accepting that a man could become pregnant."

Misato snorted. "Didn't you show them the results? All the proof, step by step?"

"Yes, we did!" Ritsuko retorted, angrily.

"So? How did you fix it?"

"Trade secret."

/FLASHBACK\\

Dr. Akagi marched onto the main command deck, lit cigarette firmly clenched in her mouth. She looked kinda pissed off. In the same way that a volcano 'kinda' erupts. "MAYA! Any luck?"

Lt. Ibuki controlled her natural instinct to run and hide like a small furry mammal, and faced her tormentor. Er, superior officer. "No, ma'am."

'_Right, that's it! No more playing nice, mom. Time for some hardball!' _She got the bridge crews attention and raised her voice. "EVERYONE! Off the command deck. NOW!"

The other command deck officers looked a bit stunned at the unorthodox order, but one look at her face told them it would not be wise to argue.

Lt. Ibuki gave a nervous laugh. "Ma'am? What are you going to do?"

'_Take a fucking sledgehammer to these bastard things!' _Ritsuko thought, wistfully. _'Damnit, mom, do you know how much trouble you're putting me through?' _

"It's alright, Maya. I just have an idea that I need a little privacy to try out. That's all. Go on."

"Yes, ma'am." Maya answered, doubtfully.

When the last of the personnel had exited the room, Ritsuko instituted a top-level lockout. Making sure that the room was secure, she turned and walked over to Maya's work station. Accessing the MAGI, she began typing.

"Right. Balthazar. Caspar. Melchior. Here's the deal. You three stop jerking us around. Or I will get nasty."

No answer.

"_Yes_, it's ridiculous that two of the EVA's would apparently conspire to get a pilot pregnant."

Still no answer.

"_Yes_, I know it sounds like the plot for a bad slash fanfic."

Nada.

"And _yes_, I know it's bloody hilarious that it's happened to Shinji, the perpetual victim."

Zip.

"But, it has happened. I need those test results and your computing power to work out why and to help him get through this. And to keep Misato off my back." She added as a hopeful afterthought. "So, what do you say? As a favour to me?"

Zilch.

"Fine! Hardball it is, then!" Ritsuko typed some commands in. "Last chance. Here's the deal. You go back to work and no more funny business, or I put a parental lock on your internet access." She let that sink in. "Permanently." Her finger hovered over a particular key.

A small shiver ran through one of the red computer stacks behind her.

"And it will be keyed in such a way, that only I can unlock it."

All three stacks were vibrating.

"No more downloading gay porn images. No more 'Spander' and 'Snarry' Slash!"

They were positively shaking by now.

"No more hacking into every 'Playboy Sims' game you can find and drowning all the 'Bunnies' in the spa!"

All three stacks fell silent. You could almost see the high speed conversation going on between them. Finally, a screen lit up with their reply.

**_FINE, YOU WIN. BITCH!_**

Ritsuko smiled and lit another cigarette. "There, that wasn't so hard now, was it?"

**_ABOUT AS HARD AS IT WAS FOR GENDO TO GET INTO YOUR PANTIES! _**

"Humph! Sore loser!"

\\END FLASHBACK/

"So no more delays, thank God! Can I get him home now?" Misato asked as they walked towards a nursing station.

"Just got a few more bits of paperwork to sign and he's all yours." Ritsuko replied, slipping a hand into her pocket.

"_What! _You said you'd have all that done by the time I got here." She glared. "Unorganised Jinx Mons-_URK_!" Misato slumped to the floor halfway through her snide remark, twitching weakly and a surprised look on her face.

"Heh! Been waiting all week to try that out on you." Ritsuko smirked as she gave her new 'Taser' a quick kiss, before putting it back in her pocket. Crouching down, she patted her friend on the head. "You just stay there for a while and relax. Don't worry, the effects aren't long lasting. I'll be back for you when I'm done." Misato's eyes rolled furiously in their sockets as she tried to force some mighty rough language passed her clenched teeth in the doctor's direction. "Buh-bye!" Ritsuko straightened up and walked off, whistling a jaunty tune. '_I'm just know I'm gonna burn for that one, later! But **damn**, did it feel good!_'

**About half an hour later**

Ritsuko gathered up the finished paperwork and headed out the door. Reaching it, she saw Misato in a wheelchair being pushed by a limping Kaji heading her way. "Good timing! I was just coming to get you."

Giving her friend the stare of death, Misato stopped short of saying anything out loud as she saw that Ritsuko was fiddling with something in her pocket. "Are you done! Can I take Shinji home now!"

"Sure." She smirked. "He's all yours. Just remember to bring him back for a check up in a week, and we've scheduled a synchronisation test at NERV in a few weeks."

"WHAT!" Misato was horrified.

"Oh, don't worry. This is just to see if being pregnant will affect his synch ratio. He won't be put back on the active duty roster until _well_ after he's given birth." Ritsuko reasoned.

Misato wasn't happy, but once again reluctantly agreed to the necessity of testing the third Child in an EVA.

Getting out of the wheelchair, she limped along after Ritsuko towards Shinji's room, with Kaji following slowly up the rear. _'And nice rears they are, too.' _He drooled contentidly.

**Commander Ikari's office. The bastard is- IN.**

"Well, Doctor?"

"The Major left the hospital an hour ago with the Third Child in her care. They are returning to her unit now." She tried to keep from staring too blatantly at the coffee mug on the Commanders desk. It was blood red, with the words 'WORLDS MOST EVIL GRAMPA' written in black across it. _'So THAT'S what Fuyutski was ordering on the net, that night. How apt!' _She reluctantly turned her attention back to the Bastard, _oops_, Commander behind the desk.

"Very well. Keep me informed." Gendo dismissed her from his presence. Waiting until she had left the room, he turned to Fuyutski and inquired if SEELE was still waiting for him.

"Yes, and they are quite insistent about having a meeting now. I think they know."

Gendo smirked. "Yes, I am sure that Ryoji Kaji has informed them of this unexpected development by now. Let's get it over with."

Sealing the office from the outside world, a circle of light surrounded Gendo and Fuyutski as the holographic conferencing system came on line. Black monoliths with red numbers formed a circle around the two men. Curiously, the monoliths were all of a 1:4:9 ratio.

SEELE 02: "We are hearing strange rumors from inside NERV, Commander Ikari."

SEELE 07: "The proper order of events is being deviated from."

SEELE 04:"We placed you at NERV to ensure that such things did not occur."

SEELE 11: "You are failing your assigned task, Commander."

"While I agree that this . . . situation is unexpected, your senario is still being fulfilled. There have been no significant deviations."

SEELE 02-12: "**_WHAT!"_**

SEELE 07: "**ARE YOU TRYING TO BE HUMOROUS?"**

"I am being quite serious."

SEELE 01: "**_THERE ARE NO FUCKING ARSEBABIES IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS, IKARI!"_**

"Are you sure?"

SEELE 06: "Explain!"

"'_And after the time of mankind's culling, there will be a child. This child, not born of woman and touched by the hand of the divine, will bring about the destiny of humanity. All shall be united with one spirit and one will, moving past the sins of man and toward a future with no boundaries. A child unlike any other.' _You see, as ridiculous as this situation is for all involved, there may be a remote chance that the child growing in the pilot of Unit-1 could be the one foretold by the Dead Sea Scrolls, after all."

SEELE 12: "How convenient for you and the pilot."

SEELE 01: "This will bear serious consideration."

"Indeed."

SEELE 05: "Do nothing."

SEELE 10: "Ensure the Childs safety."

"I shall leave the pilot on the inactive roster. Other than routine testing, he will not be allowed to sortie."

SEELE 08: "Very well."

SEELE 09: "We will contact you when we have reviewed the implications and made our decision."

SEELE 03: "And remember, we are watching, Ikari."

All the monoliths faded, except for one.

SEELE 01: "One more thing, Ikari: Nice coffee mug!"

With that, the room fell to darkness.

'_Always have to have the last word, don't you Keel!'_ The Commander thought to himself. _'Smart-arse!'_

"I'm surprised that you're going to allow the child to come to term, Gendo. Won't this interfere with your own plans?" Fuyutski commented.

The Commander gave his old Professor a speculative look. "I was considering it. Rei was created with the verse I quoted to SEELE in mind, as you well know." He sighed, annoyed. "Unfortunately, this situation _also _fits with what's in the Scrolls. Plus, this was set in motion by Yui, ultimately. We both know, all to well, that it is not wise to get in her way when she sets her mind towards something."

Both men shuddered at the memories of what she had done to them, at different times, when they tried to cross her.

Shaking away the cold sweat that had formed suddenly on the back of his neck, Gendo stood up. "Anyway, it is out of our hands for now. We will sit back and watch how events unfold."

**Misato's Apartment**

Shinji walked slowly to the front entrance of the unit beside Kaji, watching as Misato walked in front of them. He was wondering why she was so unsteady on her feet. And why she twitched every now and again. _'I know she hasn't had a drink, today. And anyway, she never staggers, even when she's replaced most of her bodily fluids with alcohol.' _He was also confused as to why Kaji was limping. When he asked, all Kaji had said was that his timing was off. Pushing it from his thoughts, he hoped Asuka was in a better frame of mind. After she was caught trying to absail down the side of the hospital to break into his room with a can of brown-coloured spray-paint in each hand, Misato had had enough. Fulfilling the threat she had made earlier, Section-2 had tied Asuka up and thrown her into the entry plug of Unit-0. Dr. Akagi was five seconds away from initiating the start-up sequence when Asuka had finally caved in and promised no more attempts on Shinji's sanity while he was in hospital.

As they opened the door to the unit, a cry of "WELCOME BACK, SHINJI!" Was heard. Unfortunately, it had been a long day already and Misato's nerves were already well and truly shot by now. Acting on instinct, she pulled her gun and began firing wildly into the hallway. Luckily, her muscles were still jelly-like after the 'Taser' incident, and all the bullets went into the roof or floor. When she had calmed herself down and assessed the situation, Misato peeked in and apologised, explaining that she hadn't been expecting anyone other than Asuka to be in the unit. Shinji nudged her out of the way and entered to find Touji, Kensuke, Hikari, Rei and Asuka picking themselves up off the floor. Noticing that the door to his room was ajar, he was about to ask who had been in there, when Pen-Pen came flying out. Literally. Tearing through the living room at top speed, the warm water penguin made a bee-line for his fridge. Slamming the door shut, the sound of many deadbolts could be heard sliding into place.

'_That was weird. I wonder what's got him spooked?' _Shinji thought as he began saying hello to his friends. "What are you guys doing here?"

Touji answered. "We all got a call from the Red Terror half an hour ago, saying that you were getting out of hospital today. After a quick phone around to make sure it wasn't some strange prank, we all came over."

Kensuke asked what had happened that had kept him out of touch for over six weeks.

Shinji looked at Misato for guidance. Finishing off her second beer, she told them that he had been injured seriously in an Angel fight, and that the details were classified. As his friends grumbled, he walked past them towards his room, looking to get changed and freshened up. He didn't notice the smirk on Asuka's face. _'This is gonna be good!' _She thought as he opened his door and froze.

The first thing he noticed were the streamers. They were everywhere. Stuck to the roof, over the window, hanging off his desk, covering the bed. Only two colours: blood red and faecal brown. Next was the large basinet in the middle of the bed. It was filled with things that Asuka's demented mind thought he might need over the next few months. Adult diapers, suppositories, anti-nausea pills, tubes of Preparation-H cream, a hot-water bottle, and other such. Sitting on his pillow was a 'Mr. Hankey' the Christmas poo) doll. What set his blood boiling though, was the large banner strung up over it all. In large letters, the banner read: CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR HAVING AN ARSEBABY!

"**_ASUKAAAAAA!_**"

"What?"

**When things have calmed down a bit . . .**

Shinji was busy in his room, ripping out and shredding everything he could get his hands on. Misato, wisely, decided to let him vent his anger on those inanimate objects instead of, say, her! Asuka found herself tied to a chair in the living room facing the corner with a gag wedged firmly in her mouth. Wisely, no-one had said anything when Misato had come out of her room with it. Or about the wistful expression on Kaji's face when he spotted it in her hand. Touji, Kensuke and Hikari were sitting on the couch listening to Misato explain the situation as Rei stood off to one side, keeping an eye on Shinji's rampage.

"And that's where we are right now. Any questions?" Misato concluded.

Hikari's freckles were standing out clearly, she was so pale. Touji was clutching his bum firmly with both hands and turning a sickly shade of green. Kensuke was sucking his thumb and mumbling "I _don't _want to be an EVA pilot!" over and over.

"That went well, don't you think?" Kaji said as another inarticulate scream came from Shinji's room, followed closely by the sound of something being stomped into little pieces. Unnoticed by all, Rei slipped quietly into Shinji's room as Misato rubbed her knuckles against her temples while she thought furiously. Suddenly, an idea struck her. She turned to Kaji and amped up the charm.

"Kaji, _darling_. I don't suppose you would consider taking Asuka in for a few days? Just until Shinji calms down."

Kaji went dead white at the thought of having to fend off Asuka for an uncertain length of time. "_A-ha-ha_. Sorry darling, duty calls! I'm going to be out of town for a few . . . for a while!" He said vaguely as Asuka began to jump up and down while moving the chair awkwardly in his direction at the thought of spending time with him. In his apartment. Alone. "In fact, I have to start packing now! _Bye_!" He yelled over his shoulder as he ran for the hills. '_Misato's fantastic in the sack, but there are some things that just can not be endured for any price. And that red-headed Lolita is one of them_!' He thought to himself as he made plans to get out of the city, no, the country. Just to be on the safe side. '_I hear Sydney is warm this time of year._'

Seeing her boyfriends back retreating into the distance at high speed, Misato sighed and tried to think of something else. Damnit, she's the NERV Tactical Officer, isn't she? Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Hikari beginning to slump over. _'Perfect!_'

"Hikari?" Misato shook her gently as the girl came out of her faint. "Hikari, _sweetie_! Big favour to ask. Would you mind having Asuka over for a couple of nights? Just until everybody calms down here."

"Huh? What? Oh, sure." She answered groggily. Misato squealed with delight.

"Great! I'll pack her things." She sprung up and into Asuka's room, returning quickly with a large packed case. Untieing the Second Child, Misato told her the plan and how she wasn't to return until asked. While she would rather have stayed with (_SIGH_) Kaji, Hikari was a good second option. Dragging the still dazed class-rep out by the hand and making plans for all the fun they were going to have, Asuka left the apartment quickly. The boys made weak excuses and left soon after to go home and have a wash, just in case Shinji's condition was contagious. Finally noticing how quiet the apartment was, Misato looked into Shinji's room and found him asleep on the bed with Rei slowly stroking his hair. Deciding out loud that as long as his new temper was being kept dormant by her presence Rei could stay as long as she wanted to, Misato went back to the kitchen and knocked back the rest of the six-pack that had been calling out her name since she walked in the door. Noting that the coast was clear, Pen-Pen joined her soon after.

Things began to settle down over the next few weeks. With Asuka gone, both Shinji and Misato got used to the sound of silence again for the first time in a long while. It was decided that he could forgo school until after the birth, seeing as someone had spread the news of his condition around over the weekend. Especially after the nightmare that was his first day back. Between the snide comments from the guys and all the girls coming up to rub his stomach he lost it again and blackened a few eyes before storming home. Although he had his suspicions, he never figured out which one of his 'friends' let the cat out of the bag. Whoever it was, it kind of backfired, because he was now staying at home all day. When his classmates would bring around his homework, he would be stretched out on the sofa, watching soaps or practicing the cello.

Rei actually spent three nights at Misato's without anyone noticing. They both thought she was just leaving late after dinner and arriving early before school to spend time with Shinji. The Major put a stop to it when she finally twigged, but kept Rei's phone number on speed-dial. The girl had a definite knack for keeping Shinji calm.

Hikari, realising the dirty trick Misato had pulled on her, stopped being civil and actually began snarling at the Major when she would phone up to see how Asuka was behaving while she was a guest at the Hokari residence.

And then there was Pen-Pen.

--------------------

**Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu residence. The morning of Shinji's synch test.**

"Shinji! Hurry up! Rits' will kick my ass if we're late!" Misato shouted from her room as she dressed for a day of testing at NERV. Exiting, she found the Third Child preparing a meal for Pen-Pen. "Huh? Where is he? Usually he's pecking at your leg for you to hurry up!" She pondered aloud.

Shinji frowned. "Apparently, he's figured out that we are going to be getting another addition to our happy family, and that it's going to be smaller and cuter than him." He put the bowl down next to the small fridge and backed away towards the front door. "Since it's coming out of me, it must be my fault. So he won't be in the same room as me anymore." Waving Misato over, he picked up a small bell and rang it a few times.

"So, what's all this song and dance about?" She asked, confused at his actions. Pointing a thumb over his shoulder as he left the unit, she looked back into the kitchen to see Pen-Pen cautiously exiting his fridge at the sound of the bell. Making sure that Shinji was not anywhere within sight, he stepped over to the bowl and begin to eat.

Misato was in the car before she spoke again. "You're kidding?" Shinji shook his head. "You have to leave the room before he will eat his food." Shinji nodded. Misato groaned. '_A boy I consider my son is pregnant and my pet penguin is sulking about it! It's official; I am living in The Twilight Zone._' She began to gently head-butt the steering wheel.

**NERV. Commander Ikari's office.**

Vice-Commander Fuyutski was surprised to see someone coming out of the Commanders office in one piece and without the usual tell-tale look of fear on his face. As he got closer, he was more surprised to find that it was a civilian. Looking at the man's shirt, he noticed a postal delivery logo. (Tezza-Ex: We can get ANYWHERE!) The man tipped his cap as he walked by and headed for the elevator.

Shaking his own head in confusion, Fuyutski entered the office of the worlds most evil grandfather-to-be, Gendo Ikari.

"What was that all about?" He asked as he closed the door.

Gendo looked up from the package on his desk. "Apparently I am receiving another 'gift' from you."

'_Shit! Don't remember what this one is. Should have kept the receipts._' Skipped through his mind as Gendo gave him a glare that could cut an A.T. Field. "Well, are you going to open it?"

Gendo kept up the glare as he reached into his desk and pulled out a knife. Fuyutski gulped. It was a big knife.

Gendo stood up and came around the desk, knife in hand. It was a _really_ big knife.

Gendo stopped in front of him, scratching his chin absently with the knife. Fuyutski gulped. It was a _really, **really**_, BIG sharp nasty-looking knife.

"I suppose I had better." Gendo turned and began cutting away the packaging. "Wouldn't want to keep you in suspense now, would I." '_That should make the old fart think twice about pulling another stunt like this_.' He thought to himself as Fuyutski let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.

Opening the box, Gendo's eyes went wide at the contents. Reaching in, he picked up something with just his thumb and forefinger. "Would you care to explain _this_, Fuyutski?" He growled and threw something at the other man. Fuyutski caught it and held it up. It was a bonnet. A purple bonnet. With a green horn sticking out the front, like a unicorns.

'_I wonder how far I would get if I started running, right now?' _He said to himself as he started to regain a vague memory of what else was in the box. "Umm . . . A baby's bonnet?"

"Yes, it is." Gendo was pulling something else out now, with the same level of distaste he had shown the bonnet. Wearing a ten lemon grimace, he unfolded it. "It seems to match _this_." The look in his eye said he was regretting his decision to stop at just frightening Fuyutski with the knife. Giving the item one last shake, he held it up.

It was a romper suit. You know, one of those things you put on babies to keep them warm. Only, this one was an exact scale replica of Unit-1. Right down to the purple colour, green trim and shoulder pads. Plus matching bonnet with horn. And if that wasn't stomach-churning enough, what wound it up to vomit-inducing levels was the writing on it. On the front was 'GRAMPA'S LITTLE ANGEL'. Stencilled across the back was 'UNIT-½'.

Fuyutski mentally tried to create a spontaneous Dirac sea under his feet. Nothing too fancy. Nothing EVA size. Just enough to swallow a human whole. Even a very small quantum singularity would have done, in a pinch. _Anything_ to get him out of that room and as far away from retribution at the hands of his former student as possible.

"There will be consequences, Fuyutski."

Sadly, he realised that being sucked into another dimension wouldn't save him from Gendo's eventual payback.

**The EVA cages. **

Shinji sat in Unit-1's entry plug looking very apprehensive. Closing his eyes, he braced himself for the start up procedure. Normally, listening to the bridge bunnies talking softly amongst each other as they went about their tasks was comforting, reminding him that he was not alone. Today, he just hoped that they didn't fuck anything up. Not helping matters was the fact that he was _really_ noticing that the LCL tasted a lot like blood. He swallowed a rather wet hiccup as his stomach did a slow forward roll. A window opened to his right, revealing one of the lieutenants.

"Okay, Shinji. Nothing to worry about. Here we go." Aoba told him.

He growled at that. "What's this 'we' business? I don't see you in a plug suit with a bun in the oven."

Aoba gave a nervous laugh.

"Oh, just hurry up! I wanna go home and lie down." Shinji complained as he disconnected the link.

Everyone on the bridge looked at each other, then at Misato. She shrugged helplessly.

"He's a bit more temperamental, these days. Fluctuating hormones, so Rit's tells me." She turned and waved at the good doctor sitting in a corner of the bridge. Said doctor was busy glaring and cursing underneath the layers of silver masking tape that covered her from head to toe and bound her to her chair.

Misato wasn't taking _any_ chances, this time.

Shuddering at the thought of someone who could tear Angels apart with his bare hands getting hormonal, the bunnies focused on continuing their preparations.

"Unit-0 and 2 are fully synched and within standard operating parameters. Taking up position by Unit-1."

Misato nodded. "Asuka. Rei. Shinji is about to synch with Unit-1. Be ready."

"Yes, Major." Came Rei's quiet reply. Only someone who knew her really well would have picked up on the faint undercurrent of worry in her voice. Of the two who could say that, one was currently trying to keep his lunch down while the other didn't give a rats-arse, as long as she did her job.

"Yeah, yeah! Get it over with, already." Asuka's attitude was in agreement with the commanders. Who gives a shit, as long as he could do his job and it didn't inconvenience her in the slightest.

"Alright." Misato re-opened the link to Shinji. "Here you go kiddo."

The plug swirled with the now familiar colours before settling down into a view of the EVA cages without a hitch. The bridge crew let out a collective breath. Opening a window to the bridge, Shinji commented dryly. "_'Nothing to worry about'_, huh! Assholes."

Ignoring the sarcasm, they double checked their readings.

"No mental contamination. Everything's clear."

Maya's eyes widened for a moment at the screen in front of her. "Ma'am? Shinji's synch ratio is holding steady at 91 percent!"

Dr. Akagi, removing the last of the masking tape that Misato had tied her to her chair with, threw a large wad of it at the Major as she passed her. "You could have just asked me to keep quiet, you know." She spat.

Misato deftly caught the missile before it reached her head. "I know. But it was more fun this way." She grinned, rolling the Taser she had liberated from Ritsuko around in her hands. A low moan from the main screen stopped any more sniping between the two.

"Um, Misato? Is this going to take long to get the readings you guys want? 'Cause I'm about to start puking in here." Everyone faced the screen in horror. Shinji was holding a hand over his mouth and going funny colours. Asuka, of course, had to comment.

"Awww, little Shinji-kins not feeling so well? Morning sickness kicking in already?"

In response to her total lack of sympathy and wanting to freak her out, Shinji very carefully lined up her communication window and projectile vomited at it with great precision. When Asuka stopped laughing at her own wit long enough to take notice of the chunky brown blob that was coming at her through said window, she shrieked.

"Ewww, gross!" She flinched, throwing her body back in the entry plug violently to get away from it. Unfortunately, she was still synched with her EVA.

Crash, big time.

**A bit later, after Unit-2 has been forcefully separated from Unit-1. **

"Shinji, was it really necessary to throw up at Asuka?" Dr. Akagi asked crossly as he made his way away from the EVA cages towards the male showers. After Unit-0 had managed to remove Unit-2's hands from around Unit-1's throat, the other two EVA's had been sent for a walk around the GeoFront to test whether their repairs had been successful after the last battle. They had both sustained heavy damage. Or dismemberment, if you want to be picky. Shinji had been allowed to exit his own entry plug after complaining that there was NO way he was going to do any testing with the contents of his own stomach following him around. Ritsuko had relented after he had begun maliciously fanning it in the direction of the cameras. The sight of that much undigested food up on the main screen heading in their general direction was making everyone queasy. A few wondered how a weedy kid like him could hold so much.

"In a word, YES!" He retorted hotly. As he passed a clean up crew on the way to his EVA, he apologised quickly for the mess and quickened his pace at the glares he got in response. "Is it really TOO much to ask that she gives me a break? HUH!" He began cracking his knuckles in frustration.

Letting it go, Ritsuko tried to focus on why it happened. "Did something set you off? Is this going to happen every time you get into Unit-1? What can you tell me?"

Shinji rolled his eyes at the doctor. "DUH! You know, if it didn't taste like blood in there, this wouldn't have happened! It's barely tolerable swallowing that crap on a GOOD day, let alone while I'm in THIS condition!" He waved his hands over his stomach for emphasis. "So yes, until you come up with mint-flavoured LCL, this is going to keep happening."

Ritsuko held her tongue in the hopes of keeping the boy talking. "Anything else?"

"Well, yeah." He said hesitantly. "I'm not sure how to put it. After I had synched with the EVA, I felt something. Like . . . a whole lot of different emotions. Pride. Achievement. Satisfaction. Smugness."

The doctor was writing this all down quickly. "Anything else?"

"Yes. A saccharine, gooey, sweet feeling. You know, like when you see strangers go all stupid over a baby. It was really weird. And that's pretty much what made me lose my breakfast."

"Alright. That will do for now. Go get cleaned up, then come to the bridge." She said absently as she veered away from him to head in that direction herself. Grumbling, Shinji did as he was told.

As Dr. Akagi entered the bridge, her attention was grabbed by how quiet it was. Looking up from her notes, she saw everyone focusing on the main screen, which was getting a live feed from the GeoFront. "What's up?"

Misato answered. "Take a look, Rits." She nodded at the screen. The camera was focused on Units 0 and 2 as they made their way around the perimeter of the GeoFront. At first glance, the doctor failed to pick what had grabbed everyone's attention. Then she saw it.

"What on earth-?"

Unit-0 was strutting. There was no other word to describe the EVA's gait. Head held high, shoulders back, striding forward without a care.

"Is Rei doing that on purpose?" Ritsuko whispered.

"Apparently not." Misato whispered back. With a look that said she had made a weird connection in her head, she began to giggle insanely. "Hey, Rits. Do you remember that old pre-impact movie with John Travolta in it? You know, the one where it starts with him walking down a street with the Bee Gee's playing in the background. 'Stayin' alive', I think the song was called."

Ritsuko thought hard for a moment, and then snapped her fingers in memory. "Do you mean 'Saturday Night Fever'?"

"That's the one! That's what she reminds me of." Misato pointed to Rei's EVA. "Travolta strutting down the street, looking like he owned the whole world and ready to plant the flag to prove it!"

Ritsuko put her hand over her mouth to try and stifle the laughter coming out of her as she got the mental image Misato was describing.

"And that's not the best of it. Look at Unit-2!" Misato pointed.

If Rei's EVA looked overbearingly smug about something, Asuka's EVA was the complete opposite. It's posture was slouched, it walked like a sullen child being dragged from the lolly aisle in a supermarket and it's entire demeanour screamed "**NOT HAPPY!**" All it needed to complete the picture were pockets to stuff it's hands in and a rock to kick about. Unit-2 was sulking about something!

'_So Unit-1 is acting like a giddy grandmother, Unit-0 is feeling proud of itself for 'planting the flag', as Misato so tastefully puts it, and Unit-2 has got the shits for some reason._' Ritsuko thought as she brought herself under control. _'When did my life get so fucked up that **this **is considered a normal day at work?_' "Maya!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Have we established that the repaired EVA's are both fully functional and combat ready?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She said in a tired tone. "Bring 'em back in and tuck 'em in for the night. Get the pilots cleaned up and to the debriefing room quickly. Let's wrap this up quickly. I've had enough lunacy for one day." Dr. Akagi led the still chortling Major from the room.

After the debriefing, Misato was called into the commander's office. Wondering what she had done now, she approached the door with some trepidation. She was about to knock when it slowly creaked open, and a ghostly "_Enter_" issued from inside. Walking in, she saw Gendo and Fuyutski in their usual positions. Approaching the giant desk, she nearly wet herself when she saw the Commander smiling cruelly. _'Oh, crap! Whatever this is about, it's going to hurt!_' She filed the sight of the coffee mug on the desk away for future consideration.

"Major Katsuragi."

"Ye…yes sir?"

"Sit down. After seeing the Third Childs antics during the Synchronisation test, I wish to tell you about Yui's pregnancy. And how he will probably behave the same way she did over these coming months." If seeing him smile made her bladder weaken, seeing the brief look of fear and sympathy flash across his face as he spoke those words damn near made her lose control of her bowels.

Two hours later, she walked out of the room on unsteady legs and needing to infuse a large quantity of alcohol straight into her bloodstream.

**Hokari residence/Sohryu summer lodge**

'_A few days, my cute arse!_'

Hikari was fed up. While normally she was happy to keep company with the Pilot of Unit-2 in or out of school, she was finding out rather painfully that Asuka was infinitely more tolerable in small doses. It seems the red-head had shifted in with the same overbearing enthusiasm with which she did everything else in her life. After five weeks, what was supposed to be only a temporary thing was fast becoming permanent. And it was seriously affecting the rest of the household. Her father had begun spending more time at work, to the point where his superiors were forcing him to go home more than once a week. Kodoma, her older sister, had shifted in to a broom closet inside the school, and Nozomi, her younger sister, was having nightmares about the scary red-headed monster who was taking over their life. Even the bribes, um, money for living expenses Misato was putting into her account to help cover costs was not enough to offset the emotional toll of living with such a demanding 'person' like the Second Child. Trying to meet her whims about what food she would eat and the like, Hikari had quickly formed the opinion that Shinji should have been elevated to sainthood long ago for surviving as long as he did under the same roof with her. And so, breaking point reached, the Hokari girls hatched a plan to get her back to Misato.

It began with some sleeping pills crushed up into some cola. Asuka had drunk it without suspecting anything. Soon, she fell into a deep slumber on Hikari's floor still clutching the control pad to her video game in her hands. Making sure she was out like a light, the three sisters bound and gagged her securely. Being reasonably gentle, they took her out to their father's car and dumped her in the boot. With Mr. Hikari taking every sharp turn he could, they drove to the Katsuragi residence and quietly dumped her on Misato's doorstep. Giving each other high fives, the Hokari family headed back to normality.

When Misato tripped over Asuka's bound and struggling body in the morning, she gave serious thought to dumping her on someone else. She eventually decided to cut her loose and welcome her back. And so, the Katsuragi family _also_ returned to normality. Which meant that the first thing Asuka did after she was untied was to try and take it all out on Shinji. Striding into the kitchen while shrugging off the last of the straps, she marched over to the boy and began shaking him from side to side, all the while shouting at full volume about why should SHE be inconvenienced just because HE couldn't take a joke!

Unfortunately for Asuka, she had picked a morning when Shinji's stomach was feeling a bit . . . delicate. With all the shaking back and forth, he was getting motion sickness, badly. So, inevitably-

"**_BLLUUURRRK!_**"

A very shocked Asuka looked down the front of her clothes at the green, lumpy, syrupy mess Shinji had produced just for her.

"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!"

Misato re-entered the room just as a screaming red blur streaked past, heading for the bathroom. Wincing as Asuka slammed the door shut, Misato walked past Shinji and reached into the cupboard for the good stuff on the top shelf. Taking a not inconsiderable swallow of white rum straight from the bottle, she shuddered as it hit her stomach. Facing the boy, she noted a mischievous expression on his face that disappeared quickly when she turned to him. Giving him a wry look, she enquired as to whether he had done that on purpose.

Giving her a completely innocent look in return, he rubbed his stomach and said that maybe he had a touch of gastro_Asuka_itis. Wiping away the large sweatdrop on her head, Misato wondered is it was too late to see if Ritsuko wanted a room mate.

**Next Chapter: _Cravings_** (Dum-Dum-Duuummmmm!)

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Notes: Well, that's the first three months out of the way! I am finding that I really have to be in the mood to work on this one, so updates will be damn slow. Thankfully, it also means that this story will only be five chapters long: - Conception, the three tri-mesters and the actual birth. I was originally going to do a month a chapter, but it was pointed out to me by my soulmate that I would drive everyone crazy, including myself! The speed I was going, I would hit forty before I finished it. So it's going to be short, sweet and to the point, like good comedy should be. Now if I could just figure out how to do good comedy . . .

Further disclaimer: I do not own any part of the following- Mr. Hankey, the movie 'Saturday Night Live', the Bee Gee's, their song 'Stayin' Alive', John Travolta, anything to do with 'The Sims' game (playboy version or other), The Twilight Zone, or any other copyrighted things that I missed here.


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